#Preamblers Launch: Send Letters to Electors!

On December 19, 2016, State Electors will cast their final votes for president. Hillary Clinton currently leads in the popular vote by 2.7 million. Therefore, the system has elected Donald Trump, not the people. Now, we need to ask the system to work for the people as a collective, as one union, as the Preamble wanted us to be.

Want to get involved?

All you need to do is take the attached document, personalize it with a heading on your word processor, print out all the attached addresses, and sign, seal, stamp, and send! The attached document is a letter outlining only a few of the injustices Donald Trump has committed throughout his campaign. It also states the Preamble, the beginning of the Constitution written by our Founding Fathers and a pledge to create a more perfect union through the equality of “the people,” which has not and will not happen under Trump’s presidency.

 

We have work to do to get to a perfect union, and this was evident even before this election cycle began. A Donald Trump presidency, however, will not continue this forward movement we have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to accomplish. It will in fact set us backward. We cannot allow the normalization of the misogyny, racism, and other forms of violence he has encouraged—there have been over 900 hate crimes reported since the election—and this is one of many chances to speak out against injustice and hate. Take one step, use your voice; we are “the people” and we should be heard.

 

We do not condone any abusive, hateful, or derogatory language in this protest. We are fighting hate and violence, and we encourage respectful and productive discourse.

HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE LETTER. The template and the Michigan, Wisconsin and Ohio addresses are attached. The addresses of the Pennsylvania electors will soon be posted. If you have any questions, please email us at preamblers@gmail.com.

#Lovetrumpshate,

Preamblers: Sarah Sassone, Ariana Colozzo, Sonya Maizell, and Zee Dickey.

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michigan-and-wisconsin-addresses

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UPDATE:

We have found the site directelection.org, another great initiative toward getting the electors to vote against Donald Trump. Feel free to use the letters prepared by Jeff Strabone! The letters are different in many ways, but ultimately have the same theme. We still hope you consider using ours!


Sarah Sassone

preamblers@gmail.com

Hank Fuhs

3848 East Leonard

Grand Rapids, MI 49525

Dear Hank Fuhs,

As a concerned resident of the United States, I am writing to ask you not to vote for Donald Trump on December 19, 2016.

Mr. Trump has spent the past two years dividing the country, turning it into a place it hasn’t been since the Civil Rights Movement. Throughout his contentious campaign, he has made racist, sexist, bigoted, and Islamophobic remarks, spreading hatred all over the country. These include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • In June 2015, he implied Mexican immigrants are primarily criminals, rapists, and drug traffickers;
  • In October 2015, he personally attacked a teenage girl on Twitter, which led to threats of rape and death toward her from his supporters, and this recently happened again on December 7, when he tweeted against Chuck Jones;
  • In November 2015, he mocked a disabled reporter at a rally in Alabama;
  • In November 2015, he announced if he were elected president, he would create a national database of Muslims and require Muslims to wear badges, as Adolf Hitler did to people of Jewish faith;
  • Since he began his campaign, he has called climate change a “hoax” and wants to withdraw all funding the U.S. pays to the U.N. climate change programs;
  • In June 2016, he called for Judge Gonzalo Curiel to recuse himself from a lawsuit against Trump University, because Judge Curiel of Mexican descent and Mr. Trump claims it would be a conflict of interest;
  • In October 2016, a video of Mr. Trump arriving on the set of Days of Our Lives for an interview with Access Hollywood was leaked, where he told Billy Bush he “moved on [a woman] like a bitch,” and that when you’re a star “you can do anything,” including “grab [women] by the pussy”; and
  • In November 2016, his first hire was Steve Bannon for White House chief strategist, former executive chairman of the Breitbart News Network, something he once called “the platform for the alt-right,” a neo-Nazi organization.

He has also made questionable Cabinet choices, including:

  • Scott Pruitt for E.P.A. Administrator, who is an affiliate of the fossil fuel industry;
  • Steven Mnuchin for Treasury Secretary, who has no government experience;
  • Ben Carson for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, who has said in the past that he is not a politician and did not want to work in government;
  • Jeff Sessions for Attorney General, whose nomination for federal judgeship in the 1980s was rejected due to his multiple racial slurs; and
  • Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education, who has no experience in pedagogy or curriculum-building.

What I am asking of you, Elector, is to assert your power as a leader of our country to stand up and fulfill the first lines of the Constitution: “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence [sic], promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

We the People did not elect Mr. Trump; Secretary Clinton now leads the election by 2.7 million votes, and the gap continues to grow. Alexander Hamilton and our Founding Fathers originally created the Electoral College to prevent people like Donald Trump—people who demean the rights of marginalized peoples and create an unequal, retrogressive society—from becoming the leaders of this country. We the People ask you to use your influence to protect the country from reliving oppressed history.

Thank you for your time and please consider my request.

Sincerely,

Sarah Sassone

My Lizards, Post 1

I like to talk about my pets. When I saw this, I laughed.

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Awww. Unlike this, my lizards fulfill gender stereotypes. The man is lazy and irritable, the woman is patient and calm. The man expects the woman to gather the crickets for him (or maybe I made that up, but she hunts faster). And here’s the kicker–the man never gains weight no matter how much he eats, and the woman just gets fatter and fatter.

But, you know, patriarchy.

Visiting Mom’s Family in Oklahoma

The strangers say hi at the Piggly Wiggly grocery stores, compliment my gold necklace, tell me I’m as beautiful as a Southern Belle, ask where I got my Gucci shoes. “Wow, New York!”

            “The people here are too fucking nice,” I say to my mom.

            “They’re not really nice, hun,” she says, handing me a glass of whiskey. “They’re just Southerners.”

We Are Not Alone

The bank bought out the miles of land behind our property. They’re building high ranch houses, perfect for both people starting a family as well as grown families. There will be more dogs to bark at our pit bulls, persistent trick-or-treaters who will frown because we won’t buy candy, newly-weds with their sophisticated parties. There will be housewives who won’t leave us be, who will prod us with spinach and broccoli casseroles, send us invitations to their kids’ birthday parties, and probe us with questions about what we do.

Ten Beginnings of Stories about Grizzly Bears

  1. The Grizzlies met with the other forest animals for a meeting about voting rights. I was there too, you know, to prevent chaos or something.
  2. Mom didn’t like it when I took in a Grizzly Bear as a pet when I was young. “How can you take the cub from his mother?” she asked. But she learned to deal with it after I taught Herman to mow the lawn and do the dishes.
  3. On Mondays, their days off, the bears went to the karaoke bar. They ordered fish bowls and hard ciders and sang “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” but in the cool way. “Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m fucking falling apart.” And then they would all go home, pay the cubsitters, and snuggle in bed. All except Clyde.
  4. “Now is the winter of our discontent,” Max said to us in the cave, “and we need to prepare.”
  5. They thought they could put us in a zoo, those assholes with the tranquilizer guns and large nets. They thought wrong.
  6. You are a bear. You are a roaring, dancing, preened Grizzly, goddammit. And don’t you forget it.
  7. The media really fucked up the story about Lyle and the cop.
  8. “I write music,” Tanya whispered to her date. “Music about the hard life in the woods. The fleas, the ticks, the hunters, you know. That kind of stuff.”
  9. Like sharks, we grizzlies are severely misunderstood.
  10. I was a stunt double for Tom Cruise in a live action Brother Bear, and he really got me into scientology.

Ketchup Recipes for All You Ketchup Lovers

It’s safe to say that ketchup is one of man’s greatest inventions. It is the perfect combo of salty and sweet, with the artificial tomato flavor that tomato-haters (like me) love. It’s a condiment that can be used with any meal at any time; it tastes great on egg sandwiches, French fries or tater tots, grilled cheese, burgers, chicken, you name it. And because summer is almost over, and the barbecue grills are retiring, it is the perfect time to think about what you should use your half-full deluxe bottle of Heinz for. I’ve compiled ten awesome ketchup-filled recipes that can be cooked any day of the year. If you’re a ketchup-hater, no hard feelings—it’s okay to be wrong.

  1. Cheesy Sausage Jalapeno Hash Brown Bake:

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With hash browns, eggs, sausage, and cheese, it’s the perfect thing to have hot or cold on an August morning before your dip in the pool. It uses jalapeno ketchup as well as jalapeno rings, so it’s going to be hot! But who doesn’t love spicing up their day from the start? Get the recipe here.

2. Stir-Fried Chicken with Ketchup:

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This dish was featured as a “minimalist” meal in the New York Times. It only has six ingredients, and anyone from a talented chef to a Basic Cooking for Dummies college student can make this dish. It keeps the taste of classic ketchup in a slick texture, like Sesame or General Tso’s Chicken from your favorite Chinese restaurant. Get the recipe here.

3. Easy Beer and Ketchup Meatballs:

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Another sinfully easy recipe. These beer and condiment meatballs are the perfect thing to serve at a barbecue with the family or a block party with the neighbors. You can serve them as an appetizer or part of a meal. A few suggestions: Instead of a full onion and garlic powder, use minced onion and minced garlic. Also, add some breadcrumbs or a piece of mushed white bread to make sure the meatballs bind accordingly (advice from an Italian). If you want to put a tasty summer beer in there, try Landshark! The sweet lager will mix great with the best condiment in the world. Get it here.

4. Barbecued Shrimp Kabobs:

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Have you ever had shrimp and ketchup? Well, it’s good! In this recipe, a mixture of ketchup, lime juice, and a few more ingredients are mixed and used as a marinade for the shrimp. This is the recipe for that barbecue you have on your deck or in the backyard, and cooks each kabob within three to five minutes. Delicious and fast—wow. Get the recipe here.

5. Sweet Ketchup and Thousand Island Pasta:

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A great dish to bring to lunch or serve at dinner! This recipe combines some very random ingredients that make up an interesting sauce—who would think to combine ketchup, heavy whipping cream, steak sauce, and Thousand Island dressing? Make this if you’re feeling spontaneous. Word of advice: stick to rotini. It will absorb the right proportions of sauce, like it does for other pasta salads. Get it here.

6. Sweet and Sour Sauce:

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If you’re interested in making a sauce that is compatible with many types of meats, then definitely try the Sweet and Sour sauce. This recipe has a similar outcome to the stir-fried chicken with ketchup, but it uses different ingredients. Get it here.

7. Tostones with Mayo-Ketchup Dipping Sauce:

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Tostones are twice-fried green plantains, which become more popular each year (kind of like kale, but not a super food and thus so, so much better). Easy recipe, easy prep, yummy results! This recipe is rated five stars on allrecipes.com. Get the recipe here.

8. Easy Jambalaya:

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Taste one of the most popular dishes of the South with a simple ingredient. Jambalaya is a well-balanced meal, with vegetables, meats, rice, and a combination of spices. And though it is traditionally hard to make, adding ketchup as a main ingredient makes it easier than ever! It also uses reduced sugar ketchup, so if you’re watching your glucose intake, this might be the best recipe for you. Get it here.

9. Red Remoulade:

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Another sauce to make and spread amongst an array of foods. It is a French condiment usually based off mayonnaise and is used throughout Europe, from vegetables to roast beef sandwiches. This recipe uses Worcestershire sauce (say that five times fast), a new ingredient in this list. Feeling fancy? The word “remoulade” sure sounds that way! Get the recipe here.

10. Great Canadian Heinz Ketchup Cake:

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Thank god for the Canadians! Just when you thought that ketchup couldn’t possibly be used in dessert, the Great White North sent us both hockey and this recipe. This recipe includes cinnamon, nutmeg, and ground ginger for a slightly spicy taste, but the ketchup and brown sugar adds sweetness to balance it out. Making and eating this kind of cake should be on your bucket list. Get it here.

#HellaProfessional

Howie Mandel

We love the sparkling, speckless, spotless, spic-n-span, sanitary.
It sucks that no one gets you, Howie. They just don’t comprehend
that they carry so many—too many—estranged anti-
bodies. How don’t they see that the finger-
prints on a glass are chancy, too chancy, that those swirly
smudges from their own damn hands get so close—too
close—to uniting with your lips as you drink your
perfectly purified Fuji water. They are so naïve, so ignorant,
and they don’t see that you spray your bed with Lysol everyday
because when they sit on your bed, their ass
germs are rankling where you sleep. Oh Howie, you’d understand
if I said that I can’t lend you a pencil because if your hand—
which just touched that desk that you share with sloppy
society—held my pencil, that pencil would contact
all my other pencils in my specific Ticonderoga pencil
case and ruin me? They don’t see that it’s not so
funny, Howie, that we’re not always
comedians. You understand why I can’t offer
you a handshake or walk within a nine and
three-sevenths-inch radius of you, Howie. Right?

(Originally published in Rider University’s literary magazine, Venture, Spring 2011.)